Epiphany!

Wow!! It has been a long time since I posted anything! And a lot has happened! Well, really one BIG thing!! We moved. To Florida. Away from my daughter and son-in-law. Away from my friends. Away from my church. Away from my gym. Away.

It really has been a great move for Dave. It has been a good move for me. Sort of. We have been here for two and a half months. I don't know how much weight I've gained since moving, but I know it's a lot. I've been deluding myself, but my pants are really tight. REALLY tight. I should probably get a size larger, but if I do that, then I'm admitting I've got a problem.

Okay, so in the shower just now, the tears began to flow, and I admitted, out loud, "I've got a problem!!". As I'm letting the water stream down with the tears, I also realized that this is something only I can do. Yes, it wonderful to have the support of friends (who are 300miles away), BUT it is just that...support. They are not doing this, I am!! I am the ONLY one who can make MY journey!! So, even though I don't have my motivation here with me, I am the one who has to stop putting the food in my mouth, and I am the one who has to get up off my ass and start moving. I am the one out of control, and I am the only one who can take back that control!

I know there is a Weight Watcher meeting tonight, and I will BE there!! I will go to the gym tomorrow, and DO SOMETHING!!!! This needs to be my wake-up call, and I NEED to wake-up!! Please send your prayers of strength and encouragement, cause I know it will take a huge amount of will to do this, and by God's grace I pray that I can once again get back on my right path and continue my journey.

I LOVE SHOPPING!!!

This is an activity I used to dread! I had to generally walk past all the really cute clothes to get to the Plus-size ('fatty-size', 'queen-size', 'big girl-size, etc) department, where the clothes there left a LOT to be desired. Mostly 'grandma' styles! Nothing ever fit really well, and I never felt very pretty in any of my things. I pretty much wore tents, 'cause that's pretty much all that fit! I was pushing a size 30 at my heaviest! O. M. G!!!!!! That still blows my mind when I really stop to think about it! Some friends of mine at Weight Watchers now call the W that goes behind the size a 'wide'!

I went up to the North Georgia Premium Outlets with my daughter, Anna, the other evening and we gathered up probably 25 or so dresses for me to try on! They were all a size 16 (misses, not 'wide'!) and each and every one FIT ME!!! I was never so excited to be trying on dresses as I was that night! I truly liked how I looked in almost everything! And the ones I really didn't like were because of the style, NOT because I was fat! And Anna could really be honest in her opinions, because anything she said didn't hurt my feelings! I picked two dresses to purchase, and they should be good for a few months, until I go down another size! Yay, me!!!

When we got home, it got me thinking about other things that have changed from my fat days! I can now fit in my car without the steering wheel hitting me in the gut, and at restaurants we can sit in booths because I can fit behind the table and it doesn't even touch my belly! I can wrap a bath towel ALL the way around me and it actually crosses over and I can tuck in the top! I can get in and out of the shower without my hips touching either side of the shower door! And at the gym and hair salon, I can use a robe and it crosses over and I can use the tie belt! Let me tell you, it's all about the little things, that add up to make an enormous difference in my life!! So what small accomplishments have you had in your life lately? Trust me, once you sit down and actually list them, you are going to feel like a ROCKSTAR!! I know I certainly do!!!!

Why do I do this to myself!!! And other self-loathing comments!!

We all do it. Say hateful things, to ourselves. Would we say these things to our family or friends? Definitely not!! So why say them to ourselves? I wish I had the answer to this. Lately I have found myself binging on sweets and other carbs. I really don't know why. Do I think I'll never have another sweet for the rest of my life? That's how I'm approaching it!! Why? Why can't stop? Why am doing this to myself? I am working so hard to become the healthy person I need to be, and I am sabotaging all my good efforts! I am such a failure!! I am such a hypocrite! How can I suggest to others how to get fit and eat healthy, when I'm not? What is wrong with me? I want to do the right thing for myself, I want to be around for my family and future grandbabies! Then I find myself going down this dark path away from my goals! Maybe I need a professional to talk to; to find out what the motive is behind this? Has anyone else been here?

Every morning I try to give myself positive affirmations, tell myself I will make it through this one day making healthy choices for myself! And I do pretty good, then comes evening, and I seem to shut down! What's that all about? Why can't I have the control to NOT shove this crap in my mouth like there's no tomorrow? Sorry for the rambling, but I hoped putting everything out there would help me come up with an answer. I'm open for suggestions, too!

One thing that I am still doing is working out. At least I still have that going in the right direction! And this is one habit I pray will never leave. I still have goals for this part of my healthy lifestyle! I have signed up for the Susan G. Komen 3-Day, I AM going to do my next triathlon in June, and I am seriously considering going to Kennesaw State in the fall to get my Personal Trainer Certification! I REALLY WANT THIS!!!

So...here's to a glorious new day of making good choices! I know I CAN do this! And so can you!!

What's your addiction?

I know this is a strange question to ask, and if you are fortunate enough to not have one, then I'm glad for you. Really, I am! I have been watching the reality-TV series, 'Ruby', and I really love it! It has made me realize that I truly have an addiction...to food! Unlike an alcoholic or drug addict, I NEED food to survive! Like an addict, though, once I have a taste of the "forbidden" food I can't stop! I found myself in that situation last week.

I decided to indulge in a small piece of brownie when I was out to dinner with my friend, and thought I was okay with that! NOT!! The next evening there was something else that presented itself and again I indulged. By the end of the week I was out of control!!! I even found myself reverting back to my old habits of hiding food and eating only when I know I'm alone! What the heck!!! I thought I was better than that. Hmmmmm, you know what I AM better than that!! In the past I would have been on a very lo-o-o-ong binge, but I was able to cut it off after just a few days! Okay, then, I am back on track now. I will admit I gained a little over 2 pounds last week, but that's okay, cause I am back on track! I know there will be other times that this will happen, but I am strong enough now to get past it, and move forward, and DOWNWARD!!!!

One other thing, and this may be just for me, but I sure do a lot better when I actually track (journal) what I put in my mouth. In Weight Watchers we have a few sayings, "If you bite it, write it. If you nibble it, scribble it. If you drink it, ink it. If you indulge it, divulge it!". One more that I like , "I only journal what I eat on the days I want to lose weight!". It's very difficult to eat something you know is not good for you, when you have to see it written down right there in front of you. I hope this gives someone that push it takes to write down what they are eating, if only to see what and how much is actually going into their bodies, and if it is truly good for their bodies. Remember, it's a journey, not a destination, and we need the right tools to help us travel.

Are we caught up yet?

And so to go on! Once I had gotten my diabetes diagnosis, I knew it was time to get healthy! Once again I headed to Weight Watcher's, and this time I knew I also had to add some activity to the mix! I was already a member of Women's Premier Fitness through my job, but knew I had to step it up, and actually GO to the gym. I decided to pay for a trainer and started to workout with Jana Chantabane. She put me through the paces, and I was exhausted after each and every workout. But I was actually feeling, well, good! Like I was doing something to help myself live a much longer and healthier life. Granted, when I first started, I just knew I was gonna pop the big stability ball! And crunches...I started those on an incline bench that was practically sitting up!!! When I did stepping, it was only on the step itself, no risers at all! Then I added a fitness class to my routine. It was called Premier Fit, and the first class I could only get through about 20 minutes of it. I remember how cool it was to have a guy instructor at a women's only gym!! His name is Josh Keemun. But he was so good to me! I always felt such an incredible amount of support and encouragement from not only Josh, but from the other instructors also!! I never once felt like I didn't belong there, and never felt like people were watching me, wondering why such a really fat woman was at their gym!!

After two years or so, I was down about 80 pounds. It was right around that time that I decided to retire from teaching and do something different! I decided that the fitness classes I was taking had helped me so much, it was time for me to give something back! With support and encouragement from Jana and Josh, I went through an organization called Aerobics and Fitness Association of America (AFAA) and got certified in Group Exercise Instruction, and was able to teach some of the Premier Fitness classes as a sub! That was so incredibly awesome, and I knew I was showing others that you can do ANYTHING once you put your mind to it!!!

Today, it's been 3 and 1/2 years since that phone call from my doc. I am now down 100 pounds, with about 40 to go! This time I know I'm gonna make it!! The blood work I had done showed a large drop in my "bad" cholesterol levels, and my A1c had come down almost to the normal range! My goal all those years ago was to 'reverse' my diagnosis, and it looks like that just might happen sooner rather than later!! I'm still certified through AFAA, but I have also taken training to teach Les Mills BodyVive, and am currently waiting for results of that assessment! My next endeavor is to become certified as a personal trainer and work specifically with obese/overweight and older women! Cause I'm here to tell ya, if I can do it, ANYBODY can do it!!!!!

...continued...

Once our girls were here, life was pretty cool, except I was still fat! When both girls were very mobile, is when my weight came into play. The girls wanted me to play with them, run, hide and seek (have you ever seen a fat woman try to hide under a side table?), push them on swings, take long walks, go swimming, and so much more! I suddenly became a failure in my own eyes! I couldn't DO anything, and I knew I was an embarrassment to my whole family! I certainly was to myself! When the girls were in grade school I decided to give Weight Watchers a try again. The program had changed a lot, and seemed easier to follow this time. I suppose I did pretty well then, but after awhile it got old and I quit, gaining everything back. I went on this way for quite some time, rejoining, losing some, quitting, gaining it back and then some, rejoining,...you get the idea! Not a great time in my life! The only good things were my daughters and my husband, and there was a time I had decided they would all be better off without me! Fortunately for all of us I didn't act on that thought!

Fast forward to about 3 years ago. I knew I was at my heaviest all-time weight, though I hadn't been on a scale in a looooong time! It was time for my annual check-up and physical, so I made the appointment, knowing the 'talk' I would receive from my doctor! (Don't get me wrong, I have a fabulous doctor that I love, it's just that when you're fat you get the 'talk' every time you have an appointment!!). Anyway, I had all the blood work, the physical and the 'talk'! I went home and packed for my trip to visit my family in the Midwest. I was at my sister's when I received a phone call from my doctor...I had Type 2 Diabetes!! WAIT, WHAT?? No, that's not right? Of course, it was, she had been telling me for years I was on the borderline for developing it! I made appointments for when I returned to see my doc and also Diabetes specialists. Once home I went to my appointments and found out what I needed to know about having this disease. Of course, number one on everyone's "Top 10" list of things to do...you guessed it! LOSE WEIGHT!!!!! So, once again I hightailed it WW. This time though, it seemed a little bit different. Different, within me. For the previous year I had also been going to the gym and working out with one of my coworkers at the Preschool I worked at. Granted, it wasn't consistent, and it was only about 7-10 times a month! Once I got the diagnosis, though, I hired myself a trainer to help me! ~Interjection: I did discover that my diabetes could be controlled by diet and exercise, so I wouldn't need to give myself insulin injections! That was a HUGE relief!~ I started training with Jana on a twice weekly basis for half an hour each session. Let me tell you, how hard that was! I WAS 297 POUNDS, PEOPLE!!!! I was totally wiped out, sweating like a pig, and ready to cry! Except, something else was happening, too. I felt really good!

In the Beginning...

I suppose I should go back when it all started.  I was a Senior in High School, with your typical teenage body issues.  I look at pictures from then, and realize I really looked pretty good! I wasn't fat, but I must have thought I was, because my sister, Mary, and I decided to join Weight Watchers. What was I thinking, I was 18! Anyway, that was the first step of my journey. From that time on I was never satisfied with the way I looked. And there was always 'something' I needed to lose weight for...Prom, Graduation, boyfriends, college, marriage, and finally motherhood! Before I got pregnant with M'Lissa, my firstborn, I think I went on a thousand different diets. If you have ever been on this trip you know them all, too.  The Grapefruit Diet, Hard-Boiled Egg Diet, the Olympic Diet, diets from friends, diets from books, medically supervised liquid diets (that was the worst!!), I tried most all of them. Then the highlight of my life...I was pregnant! (After the first highlight of marrying my best friend, of course!)  From that time on, it was a free ticket to eat anything and everything I wanted!  I was eating for two, right?  I went on to gain more than a hundred pounds before my beautiful daughter was born! That started the spiral downward, emotionally. I suffered Postpartum depression, that went on to eventually lead to full blown chemical depression. It took a long time, and a whole other story to get all that straightened out, but eventually I was hooked up with the right meds, and was on my way to some semblance of "normal".  I did what I felt I could do to be the very best mom I could be. But being a 'fat mom' did do a number on my confidence and self-esteem.  I was still extremely obese when I became pregnant with my second daughter, Anna, but managed to only gain 18 pounds during this pregnancy. When she was born our wonderful little family was complete!  But I was most certainly not!!

...to be continued...